“Can you trust your partner too much?”

Is my partner behaving strangely? What is my partner thinking and doing behind my back? If you struggle with nagging thoughts like these and aren’t sure whether you can trust your partner, you’re not the only one. But what’s the best way to deal with it?

Take a break

If you’ve ever had the feeling that something isn’t right, like your partner is secretly doing something behind your back, then you know how unpleasant that can be. Maybe you try to keep it to yourself or suppress it, or perhaps you’ve tried to start a conversation with them about it.

Step one is to stop the raging flow of thoughts. You can go on endlessly brooding and moping, or blindly accusing your partner, but that won’t improve the situation (or the atmosphere). Try to calm down and acknowledge that this is the situation and your experience.

Reflect

In order to form an opinion as objectively as possible, it’s best to start reflecting. Ask yourself how your partner scores in the following areas:

• Communicates openly and honestly
• Respects your space, wishes and limits
• Is understanding and helpful
• Fulfils agreements/behaves consistently and predictably

If someone always has a closed attitude and is unable to discuss things, it becomes difficult to build up trust. It also creates a certain amount of tension, as feelings and thoughts are bottled up or are not expressed. Just as crucial for a sense of security is that your wishes and boundaries are respected – whether it’s something as simple as time for yourself, or how you treat each other between the sheets.

Also read: Be the best lover ever for your partner and for yourself

Look at your own part in things as well. How do you score in these areas?

• Being rational
• Respecting your partner’s space, wishes and boundaries
• Being understanding and helpful
• Being self-assured/independent

Someone who is more likely to act on their emotions is also more likely to believe something despite the facts. This can cause a partner to appear to be doing something wrong, when in fact it may have to do with something that happened to you in the past with another partner. If you’re noticeably dependent on your partner, it’s likely that you’ll also be extra protective of your relationship, and you may think you see things that aren’t actually happening.

What’s the outcome?

If you notice that your partner regularly falls short or doesn’t live up to their word, it’s only natural that your alarm bells start ringing. Yes, there is such a thing as trusting someone too much.

On the other hand, nobody’s perfect, and your judgement will never be 100% accurate. If your partner scores highly in these areas and you have no specific reason to suspect them of anything, it’s unreasonable to draw negative conclusions.

It’s possible that you’re prone to this feeling of uncertainty. There’s nothing you can do about it. Your upbringing and life experiences shape your attachment style. Negative experiences often stay with us and can therefore have a greater impact.

Also read: Want to improve your relationship? Learn more about the five love languages

The next step

Everyone is insecure from time to time. But if you have good reason to suspect your partner – even if it’s about a “small” lie – try to approach it calmly. It’s often better to let something sink in before acting on it, rather than reacting impulsively. Bear in mind that there’s always a reason behind the way people behave, and that it’s by no means always premeditated or ill-intentioned. It depends on the situation.

“It can be a very positive experience to help each other.”

Have you noticed that you regularly have a suspicious or “insecure” feeling, without having any specific reason to? As mentioned, there are many people who suffer from insecurity or separation anxiety, for example due to a lack of self-esteem. Perhaps you need more attention or confirmation that you’re good enough and that you are loved. Or perhaps you’re quick to draw the wrong conclusions about your partner’s behaviour, and that’s why you feel justified in attacking them. This can have negative consequences for your relationship.

In both cases, it’s advisable to talk to a therapist or psychologist. This is the best way to find out exactly where your (or their) challenges come from and how you can best tackle them. If the idea of involving your partner scares you, we get it. But the problem is not always one-sided, and it could be a very positive experience for both of you to help each other through the process.

Also read: 8 tips to develop more self-love

Why do you feel this way? And what steps will you take? We would love to hear all about it!