Cheating is something that happens a lot, and the reason for that isn’t really clear. There are several theories that try to explain it, but it also has to do with the definition of ‘cheating’. What is cheating exactly, and what are the most common reasons for cheating?
What is cheating?
The dictionary defines ‘cheating’ as: ‘being sexually unfaithful to your partner‘. This is obviously not a good definition, because what about open or polyamorous relationships? What about partners who go swinging? And how do people feel about kissing, (online) flirting, sexting or even masturbating? The definition of cheating differs strongly depending on the person.
Read also:Polyamorie – everything you need to know
Why do people cheat?
A relationship is often about balancing closeness with enough space and freedom to be yourself: distance and closeness. Cheating can occur when these two elements are out of balance. For example, if there is too little intimacy between the partners (not enough closeness), or if the relationship is suffocating (not enough freedom).
Different motives for cheating
- Dissatisfied with your own relationship
- Lack of intimacy
- Need for (more) excitement
- Need more confirmation and positive attention (due to insecurity)
- Having feelings of love for someone else
- Seductive conditions
By far the most common reasons for cheating have to do with the lack of love and intimacy, and the need to have sex with multiple or different partners.
Sex, love, and attachment
Cheating could be explained if you look at three essential elements of a steady, stable, loving relationship:
- The desire for sex. Almost everyone has sexual needs: that’s their sex drive.
- Falling in love. Biologically speaking, it’s time- and cost-effective to limit falling in love to one person.
- Attachment. This ensures that you stay with one person for a longer period of time. This is much more evolutionarily beneficial, as two partners are better able to provide for offspring.
In an ideal situation, all of the above points would be directed at one person. Still, it doesn’t always have to be that way. You can be in love with and attached to one person, but have sexual desires for one or more others. The more these three needs are directed at different people, the greater the chance of ‘cheating’.
Adultery and the theory of evolution
Evolutionary theory is mainly about reproduction and survival. And from that point of view, men and women differ: men want to spread their genes as much as possible (reproduce), while women are limited in their fertility, and thus picky in choosing their partners. Men however are not the ones who bring children into the world. Bluntly speaking, they don’t have to stay with the child and the mother. On the other hand, women would like to have a strong man at their side who can take care of her and the children, so that the chances of survival are higher. So women could be continuously searching for the strongest man.
“Evolutionarily, it’s possible to say that monogamy doesn’t exist.”
The origins of monogamy
Thus, evolutionarily speaking, it’s possible to say that monogamy doesn’t exist. Some scientists therefore believe that monogamy has become a social norm that is created by the individual. Monogamy has advantages: two partners who stay together can take better care of each other and their offspring.
Seduction of the new: the Coolidge effect
Why are people still inclined to cheat, has also to do with the need for novelty and new (sexual) stimuli. After a while, the sexual interest in your current partner diminishes, but you are still interested in sex with another – new – person. This is called the Coolidge effect. It could be one of the explanations why some people choose to have an open relationship.
Read also: Tips and tricks for an open relationship!
