Fear of commitment: what is it and what can you do about it?

In relationships, ‘fear of commitment’ is very common. Many people experience it to a greater or lesser degree: the fear of fully committing to someone. Often, we experience this because we’re afraid of being hurt or rejected. Getting involved in an (intimate) relationship is a vulnerable thing. But, what do we really mean when we say fear of commitment? And, what can you do to make sure you can enjoy your relationship as much as possible?

What is fear of commitment?

People with a clear fear of commitment have difficulty exposing themselves to others or entering into a long-term relationship. For them, it’s scary to commit to someone, as they’re afraid that the other person will eventually hurt or reject them.

fear of commitment:

noun

Fear of making or committing to a particular commitment, usually a serious love affair, or other responsibility.

Anxiety about commitment and the role of attachment

Anxiety about commitment can have different causes, although we usually see that it has its origins in (early) childhood. It often has to do with the way we became attached to our parents as a baby or young child. Attachment says something about the extent to which our needs and feelings were met as a child. As a baby, we’re completely at the mercy of the (loving) care of our caregivers or parents. As we grow older, they teach us more and more skills and help us to gain confidence in ourselves that we may need to fall back on in some cases. A healthy, secure attachment at an adult age means that we have learned to rely sufficiently on others, our environment, and ourselves when the need arises.

“How your parents entered into the bonding process with you forms the basis of how you bond with others as an adult.”

Besides secure attachment, there’s also such a thing as unsafe attachment. People who are unsafely attached may not always have had their needs met as children, for example. Perhaps the parents were not always present, or they were mean or violent. Other parents may be just too present, so that as a child you start ‘learning’ that you always need others to be able to cope with the world. The way in which your caregivers or parents have bonded with you, forms the basis of your own attachment style and the way in which you attach or bond with others as an adult.

Anxiety about commitment and the course of your life

In addition to attachment, other events in your life can also contribute to the development of fear of commitment. Think of bad experiences, such as bullying or the loss of important people in your life. These experiences can cause you to see the world as a place where people around you will leave you or hurt you. To protect yourself from this, you keep them at a distance. That way they cannot touch you.

“In addition to attachment, unpleasant events can cause you to see the world as a place where others will hurt or leave you.”

Attachment and relationships

The way we attach and experiences in our childhood form the basis of how we enter into relationships as adults. Insecurely attached people will unconsciously seek out insecure relationships. For example, falling in love with people who are mean, unattainable, or not loyal. People with fear of commitment have not learned well enough in their childhood that their feelings are acceptable. This makes them less likely to take their own feelings seriously. That means that in relationships they will keep their distance, have trouble being completely themselves, and have trouble with self-expression.

How do you recognise fear of commitment?

Not everyone will immediately recognise that they’re dealing with fear of commitment. Some people think they don’t have to be themselves in relationships, others enjoy the freedom they create for themselves. Still, you can recognise fear of commitment by several signs:

• Difficulty establishing a long-term connection with others
• Difficulty being intimate
• Finding it difficult to trust others
• Fear that another will hurt you or leave you
• Being critical towards others
• Keeping your partner at a distance, for example by deciding or doing a lot alone
• A tendency to flirt or cheat during your relationship
• Feeling little connection with your partner
• Not having a long-term vision or doubting your relationship

Here’s what you can do about it!

Before you can do anything about your fear of commitment, it’s important to find out for yourself where the fear comes from. Insight into your own development is essential. You are the only one who can break through your own patterns. This also leads to thinking about what your part in relationships is or what causes them to fail. Are you holding back? Do you allow your partner too little time? What kind of people do you fall for? Think about what you really feel about this.

“By avoiding or avoiding something, we will unintentionally only perpetuate our fears.”

Dare to break your own patterns, for example by letting go of high standards. Face your fears and discover that what you’re so afraid of may not actually happen at all. By avoiding yourself or avoiding something else, you’ll unintentionally perpetuate your fears. Also be kind to yourself: you are worthy of being loved. Not only by yourself, but also by your partner or good friend.

Do you keep experiencing problems in the area of relationships and connecting? Then it might be a good idea to talk about this with a professional, such as a therapist. He or she will work with you to take a closer look at the origin of the patterns and what is needed to break through them. Consult your family doctor for a referral.

Have you ever experienced or felt something like fear of commitment? Have you noticed these behaviours in yourself or in your partner? Let us know in a comment!