What’s the best way for a woman to set her boundaries?

Being assertive starts with stating your boundaries. Setting boundaries is important in all aspects of life: at work, in your relationship, and especially in unwanted situations. Some women are afraid that they’ll be seen as selfish, mean, or bitchy if they indicate their boundaries. But nothing could be further from the truth. Setting boundaries makes your life better and more fun, but it also helps those around you, as they know better what to pay attention to. In this article, we explain how you can set your own boundaries.

Setting boundaries

Setting boundaries isn’t only about saying ‘no’ when someone does something you don’t want. It’s also about situations in which people ask too much of you, e.g. colleagues or friends. Being assertive means standing up for yourself without forgetting/hurting the feelings of others. If you’re good at setting boundaries, you not only make your life better and more enjoyable, but also the lives of those around you.

“Setting boundaries is important in all aspects of your life: at work, in your relationships, and especially in undesirable situations.”

How can you tell if someone is crossing your boundaries?

Do you recognise these things?

• Do you often regret things you’ve done for others?
• Do you sometimes do things you don’t want to do?
• Do you often say ‘yes’ when you haven’t got time?
• Do you often feel responsible and therefore take on extra tasks?

If you recognise the above points, chances are that you sometimes overstep your boundaries. Fortunately, we’ll tell you how you can improve and teach you to live more assertively…

Tip 1: Stick to your limits

No is no. Stick to your limits. Do not let yourself be persuaded, no matter what the other person says. If you said ‘no’ in the first place, it was for a reason. Is the other person not listening? Then clearly explain why you said ‘no’.

Tip 2: Be clear

Be clear. People may be crossing your boundaries because you haven’t clearly indicated that they’ve reached your limit. Boundaries are different for everyone, so you cannot just assume that everyone knows where the boundary is for you. It’s best to literally say: “This is my limit, I am not comfortable with this.”

“Boundaries are different for everyone.”

Tip 3: You’re not mean, so don’t feel insecure

Don’t worry about people thinking you’re mean or selfish if you’re assertive. Don’t feel scared to talk about your boundaries. If the other person reacts strangely, that’s their problem. It certainly says nothing about you!

Of course, you can influence the way you set your boundaries. So try to do it in a friendly way. Here’s an example:

Example 1

• Friend: “Hey, can you meet up tonight? I really need some good conversation.”
  What not to say: “No, I don’t have time for that.”
  What to say: “Tonight’s really not a good time. I’d like to talk to you too, so let’s do it in a few days. I’ll have more time and I’ll be all ears!”

Example 2

• You’re kissing someone and that person wants to do more than you’re comfortable with.
  What not to say: “Get your hands off me! I really don’t want to do this.”
  What to say: “I don’t feel comfortable with this, so I’d like you to stop.”

Also read: How to ask for consent in a sexy way

Tip 4: Prevention is better than cure

Think ahead. Don’t wait until someone crosses your boundaries, let them know in advance what your boundaries are so that you can prevent unpleasant situations.

Example

• You and your date are at his house. You feel some attraction and romance in the air, and you feel like kissing and doing something more, but you don’t feel the need for penetration. At the beginning of the evening, you can say: “Hey, I don’t want to have sex tonight. I want to kiss you, but I’d rather take it easy. Just so you know.”

“State your boundaries in advance so that you don’t have to face an awkward situation in the heat of the moment.”

This way, it’s a lot easier to guard your boundaries. If you’re already kissing each other and he slips his hand down your trousers, it might feel more challenging for you to say no. Or perhaps you’ll get carried away more easily and regret it afterwards. Make sure you mention it at the beginning of the evening to make sure the other person knows what you’d like.

Tip 5: Do you pay attention to other people’s limits?

Mind your own behaviour. In the same way that you don’t want people to overstep your boundaries, you should also consider the boundaries of others. Perhaps you think you do, but be aware. If you learn to read other people’s signals better, you’ll know better how to make yours clear as well.

Is it easy for you to set your boundaries?