Have you ever crossed a woman’s boundaries? Some tips for men!

“I would never cross a woman’s boundaries,” you might think after reading the title. Are you sure? We believe that you don’t mean any harm and that you’d never knowingly do anything harmful to women. But how often do you hear stories of women who have been harassed by men? There’s a good chance that many men have crossed women’s boundaries without realising it.

This is not an accusation

We don’t want to accuse you at all! With this article, we want to warn and advise men about their behaviour towards women. We’ll also try to explain why sometimes women don’t say the word ‘no’ but still mean ‘no’. Why we sometimes feel burdened by having to turn a man down, and how we always tell each other: “Text me when you get home!” We’re always afraid that we’ll encounter some guy who can’t keep his hands to himself.

“We try to explain why women sometimes don’t say the word ‘no’ but still mean ‘no’.”

Consciously or unconsciously

Sexual transgression, sexual assault, rape; in some situations, abuse is very obvious. Men impose themselves, ignore the woman’s signals or simply continue while she says ‘no’. These men very deliberately cross the victim’s boundaries. This article is not for these men. What we have for them is a middle finger and a piece of advice: seek help, because there’s definitely something wrong with you.

This article is for all men who have good intentions. Those who were brought up to respect and treat women as they would want their mothers and sisters to be treated. The good guys, the gentlemen, and the men who wonder if they’ve ever accidentally crossed boundaries.

“This is for the men who wonder if they’ve ever accidentally crossed someone’s boundaries.”

Men aren’t mind readers

Men cannot read minds. Neither can women. But this does make it a very sensitive and tricky issue. It happens more often than you think that women don’t want something, but are too scared to say ‘no’. That’s why it’s very important for a man to pay attention to all signals, no matter how small. But it’s also very important for a woman to try to indicate what she feels and what she does and doesn’t want. If the man really doesn’t realise that you don’t want it (and if there’s no issue of power dynamics), then you can hardly blame him. Besides, there’s a big chance that it’ll happen to you again. However, indicating boundaries and being assertive as a woman is a different subject, which we won’t discuss now.

“It happens more often than you think that women don’t want something, but are too scared to say ‘no’.”

Why don’t women just say ‘NO’ when they don’t want something?

A tricky question, as every woman is different – just like every man is different. Some women have no trouble at all stating their boundaries. These women will make it absolutely clear what they do and do not want. But there are also many (often young) women who find this difficult. Why? Sometimes they freeze up in fear, and then just let it happen. Sometimes they don’t want to, but feel ashamed and afraid that things will be awkward if they say ‘no’. To avoid this, they just go along with what’s happening. Or sometimes they feel forced, because someone keeps insisting, so they don’t really know what they want anymore. Or they feel really scared and threatened and feel like their safety is in danger if they don’t go along with what the other person wants.

“Even without literally saying ‘no’, a woman can still indicate ‘no’.”

It doesn’t matter what the reason is anyway. And there’s so much more than verbal communication. Even without saying ‘no’, a woman still indicate ‘no’. A woman who doesn’t want something, almost always shows this through non-verbal communication. We will give you tips about this later in the article.

Tips and signals to watch out for

But what if you’ve had contact or sex with a woman, and afterwards she tells you that she actually didn’t want to do it? It’s already too late. This kind of situation must be avoided. We would like to share some signals and tips that can help you to better understand and feel out the boundaries.

1 – Initiative

Non-physical contact

If you’re always the only one who takes the initiative, you can check with yourself…. Is my behaviour desirable? Is she okay with this? Perhaps you have a colleague with whom you often chat, and maybe you can be a bit flirtatious. Because she replies to your messages, you probably think she likes it too. But what if she’s replying out of politeness or because she’s afraid it’ll be awkward if she ignores you or asks you to stop? The solution is simple. Ask her: “Hey, do you mind if I text you? Just say the word and I’ll take a step back!” This way, you’re giving her a very clear and friendly chance to say whether she’s comfortable with your contact.

“Just say the word and I’ll step back!”

Physical contact

The same applies to physical contact. Are you at a woman’s house and do you start kissing (or more) without her showing any initiative? (Meaning she’s not touching you, not moving or hardly moving and she’s not looking at you). It could be possible that she just doesn’t like taking the initiative during sex, but it’s much more likely that she doesn’t want to do it. And what’s the reason why she doesn’t say ‘no’ or ‘stop’? Probably because she’s afraid or feels nervous. After all, you were already kissing. Isn’t she then ‘obliged’ to continue? What if you get angry? It may be hard for you as a man to believe, but this is often how a woman feels.

The only thing you can do in such a situation is to ask if she likes what’s happening. And don’t just ask her once, “Is this OK?” But look her in the eye, take your time and genuinely ask if it’s OK and if she wants to go on. If you’re ready to go a step further than kissing but you don’t notice any initiative from her, then ask if she likes it or ask if it’s okay if you touch her here, unzip her trousers, etc.

Also read: How to ask for consent in a sexy way

2 – Create a safe environment

Are you on a date with a woman and do you want to make it clear to her that you care about her, and you don’t want to do anything against her wishes? If you don’t want to appear insecure, soft, or passive either, have an open and honest conversation at the start of the date. Say: “If you are uncomfortable with something, you can say so. I don’t want to do anything you don’t want to do.” By discussing it directly, you can avoid unpleasant situations and keep the date a little more spontaneous.

“It’s best to indicate in advance that she can tell you anything.”

3 – 90/10 rule

Another great and easy rule is the 90/10 rule. Never go all in. Do you think she wants to kiss you? Then go for it, but leave the last 10% for her. Wait a bit just before your lips touch hers. If she wants to kiss you, she’ll make the last move. Don’t open your date’s trousers straight away either, but put your hands on the edge of her trousers and look at her. Is she ignoring this? Then leave it. But if she wants you to open her trousers, she’ll nod or give you a hand.

“Let her take the last step…”

Be careful

Whichever way you look at it, women are vulnerable. Men are often bigger, stronger, or more powerful, which can make women feel intimidated or frightened, even if the man doesn’t do anything. It’s very challenging, but fortunately we can all communicate. And there’s absolutely no harm in being extra careful when approaching a woman. Are you afraid that your cautious attitude will put a woman off? Then just ask her about it. A woman who wants you to seduce her or touch her will tell you to go ahead, and she’ll let you know if you go too far. Plus, I think you’d rather be rejected once for being too cautious than be accused of transgressive or unwanted behaviour. Wouldn’t you?

Do you think you’ve ever crossed a woman’s boundaries?